The C-Note Show! transcript, June 25th, 2020
being recorded. Look at all the gentlemen that are here already so awesome. Randy and Reuben and Rob and Walters, Chris Kent, Patrick, Johnny and Brett. Andy, you guys are phenomenal. So cool. Welcome to the C no show everyone, brought to you by great men move mountains and great men move mountains.com. It's 11;01 here Thursday, June 25 2020. And you're here because you want to understand how to grab your balls back out of, maybe they're in her purse, maybe they're in the top drawer, or maybe you put them in the closet and you forgot where they are ever do that you put something away. You're trying to hide it from someone or you're trying to put in a special spot and end up hiding it from yourself. Well, this show is about understanding the three forms of confidence as a man so you can rise up and grab a hold of your life in the way that you know that you should be. You're confused. You're up in the middle of the night or you wake up in the morning and you're wondering, what do I do? What do I do about this? What do I do about My relationship. She's in fuck off mode, or she's in I love you, but I'm not in love with you mode. And you come here because you want to connect with other men that are going through this work. And you want to learn from Cynthia nice professional coaches in this field. I went through this in 2015. I've been in mental health for a long time. And I still couldn't see the back of my own head in my relationship in 2015. And that's why I sought out other men like this. And this is why Cynthia and I created this show going on our 10th week. Cynthia our 50th, five zero episode is tomorrow, and welcome Cynthia Cruz, my partner in crime and the only woman allowed in this show for her feminine perspective. Thanks.
Hey Good morning and thank you for having me. Thank you for including me on this hero's journey that you are truly on. I appreciate the chance to learn and grow and it is a deep, deep honor To hear you and learn from you.
Thank you so much. The theme of this week is be your own hero. Be your own hero in the world.
You are a man starting to rise in the world. Our theme of this week is how to be your own hero. And you're here on the C-Note show because this is where we do our daily work as men daily work in the tribe, and daily work for the three forms of confidence, emotional confidence, behavioral confidence and spiritual confidence. The why the what and the how of how to be phenomenal in modern relationship today as a man be a leader and be compassionate with her. And this week, we're talking now about your your hero's journey. Tomorrow, we're going to highlight some Some regulars on the show to ask them to come in and share with us what is their insight been over the last three months? What is their legacy for this chapter in their life? Today we're going to talk more about the seven pieces of a woman's pie a woman's pie and relationship. Cynthia has been developing that for us what to do when you feel attacked, and our three sentence hero sandwich again, we're going to bring in and so let's start off with questions from the forum some posts from the forum. And right after I do that, I've got a comedy skit from Key and Peele again. This one is Tim Cook, loses his shit at the first Apple keynote conference at you know, once Tim Cook took over for Steve Jobs, got a clip on that. We're going to talk about what are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. There's a another coach named Mark groves. I've got a one minute spot from him. He's a smaller coach that's growing, phenomenal guy, I want to highlight a video for him. It'd be awesome to have him on the show. Cynthia, that'd be phenomenal. And so let me jump back to our posts from the forum before I share our content like we normally do this morning. This one was from yesterday that we didn't vet out just as much yet. So I wanted to get to this. I felt sorry for myself. It's not about me. I got angry and then felt ashamed after felt shameful. Afterwards I got angry. I need her to let me lead my family. I need to control my temper and silence the little boy. When do I need Why do I need to change? And she doesn't. So this has given me a lot of motivation this week and I've talked with other men in my community. I've talked with my mentor as well. About what is the front door What is the knock at the front door? That's so many men, including myself go through in this journey, and that knock at the front door a lot of times is anger. Why is she doing this? why she's saying this? Why am I not getting the brownie points in relationship that I thought I was the nice guy. I was the man I thought I needed to be working 60 hours a week and bring it home money and you know, be a Good man, what I think is a good man. And I'm angry that I'm not having the perfect life that I thought I was going to write. So a book that we are going to create is going to be titled Why anger is killing your sex life. And this man reminds me of this, I need to control my temper and silence the little boy. And that anger around the initial question, why does it feel like I need to change but she doesn't? That's the initial question men have. Right? When we start this work, it seems like I'm doing everything. The other comments from the forum is, there is no going back to the good old days of naivete back to the way things used to be back to how it was in the beginning, right, the Disney story in the beginning of our relationship, there's only now and there is only where you are headed. Time to let go, brother, time to heal time to embrace this brave new world. Whatever that looks like for you. It's time to wake up to the realities of the chapter that you're in right now. Now, okay, the future of our life, the future with her or our children and our family. Maybe that's ripped out and thrown down the street tumbling down the alleyway never to be recovered. That's our fear. And maybe you're living that right now. Or maybe you're in fear of that. That's why you're on the show. You want to know what to do about that. You want to know how to grab the reins back of your life. Right?
I'm going to jump into a quick video about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of divorce Apocalypse, I should say. And this this has to do with We're talking about shame. We're talking about, we can't go back to the way things used to be if we're resentful, and we don't have things the way they used to be. And I'm going to ask gentlemen to, to jump in and share if you've moved through anger or if you are in anger right now, if you are in anger as a man, the first step is to just put it out there for us, right? We don't need to necessarily fix it for you. This isn't about Tim Cook is like screaming outs. This is this is about scream therapy. This is sharing where you're in a tough spot as a man. All right. So I want you to think about that gentlemen. And also think about what you see within the four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse here on the video. I'm going to show right now of what you're experiencing, and maybe that's confusing for you in your relationship. Here we go.
Unknown Speaker 11:49
So selfish.What an idiot.It's not my fault. We're always late.Forget it.criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. dr. john Gottman calls these negative communication patterns, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they'll lead to the end of your relationship. In fact, he can predict this relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn't changed. So, what can you do? Well, at the Gottman Institute, we understand you might not even know you're communicating this way, or you might not know how to control it. But if you practice the following four research based antidotes, there is hope for your future. Criticism attacks the character of the recipient instead of focusing on a specific behavior. The antidote to criticism is to talk about your feelings using I statements that express a positive knee. contempt is an expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm cynicism name, calling, eye rolling, sneering mockery at hostile humor. contempt is the greatest predictor of relationship failure and must be eliminated. The enemy Due to contempt is to treat one another with respect and build a culture of appreciation within the relationship. defensiveness is self protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. defensiveness never solves the problem, and it's really just an underhanded way of blaming your partner. The antidote to defensive This is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation without resolving anything. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to result in stonewalling, but when it does, it can become a habit. The antidote to stonewalling is to break for at least 20 minutes, calm down, then return to the conversation of spare your relationship from certain distraction. Learn more about eliminating the four horsemen by visiting our site.
So john Gottman has been a researcher for 40 years for zero 40 years in this field. I'm actually going through his seven principles book right now. It's a great book. One thing that I love that he talks about is the actual research behind who's who generally stone walls. Right? What's the situation around stonewalling? What's the situation around criticism? What does it look like when I'm being overly criticized, and maybe I need to stand up for myself. So gentlemen, I'd love for you to post in the chat, post a question in the chat or post your experience, or raise your hand and come in and talk with us about, I'm really facing this in my relationship right now. Right? Either she wants space, so we're in the same. We're living in the same house, but we're separated, or I'm trying to work on reconciliation. I'm trying to grow my connection with her. And I seem to be faced with being criticized or where she's defensive or where she's stonewalling. Or when she starts to speak up, I get flooded, and I'm not sure how to handle it, and then I turn away and Stonewall and that's not the way that I want to be, right? Or I come back in defensiveness with anger, which was my, which was my shitty go to pattern in the past was that energy that shoots up the back of my neck and just like pulses in the back of my head right before I lock eyes like, like I'm a hunter, right? Like it's like it's 100,000 years ago and I'm hunting deer or buffalo or something that may have served me back then but doesn't serve me now. So Gentlemen, I want to give you the opportunity who is facing a challenge like this? Go for bud.Yeah, there we go. Nice. Yeah, good to see you.
Good, man. How are you guys?
Good, fantastic. So yeah, what's your situation? Have you been coming up against defensiveness? You've been on the show the past couple days. I love that. So what do you want to ask for us today? What do you want to share with us?
I again I'm going to a bit of a stonewalling. And I'm grown to be able to take that. So I'll get stonewalling. If I don't get stonewalled, then I get verbally beaten down. But again, it's been seven months. So I've been able to take that like a man. And you know, sometimes, you know, don't get me wrong. I'll say things back, but I have learned to get my anger out of the way. Still got to work on you know, just being more caring. So, that's it. I'm gonna listen to the rest of the show.Thank you, sir. Thanks for coming in. I appreciate that. Yeah, good to see you.
Yeah, Reuben is Reuben is a man that's really stepping into as you guys know, who've been on the show the past few days. Who's stepping into being honest with himself about what's happened in the past, right? Being honest with himself about these questions right now of Who am I now? Right? And who am I becoming? What kind of man am I becoming? These are empowering questions, guys, if you haven't written these down, if you want to take a screenshot of these now, go for it. If you haven't actually written these out, taking five minutes, by the way to write answers to these, it's something you definitely need to do. If you're serious about this work. If you're serious about being your own hero, you'll give yourself five minutes a day, 10 minutes a day for the kingly plan that we've shared in the show or to ask yourself these questions. What does health mean to me? What does success mean to me? So Cynthia, when a man comes to you, and he's in the spot where he feels like, you know, she's in fuck you mode, like we talked about yesterday, or he feels like she's stonewalling. What can be some movement forward for him around these questions here? Who am I? Now, and who am I becoming when you hear Ruben, tell us where he is what comes up for you when you hear that, please?
Well, when a gentleman comes in easic is experiencing that. I think the first thing that I love to share isthat a woman when she is stonewalling when she is pushing back against your compliments, or you're seeing her when she's ignoring and shutting down, there is an element in there where she's she is feeling powerful in that, like she has some control, like she can't be affected or hurt. And it's something for her to push against and give her sense of stability. So in offering that it's not making any more wrong or bad, but to then encourage the man in her life to find what is his power his centering his groundedness, who he is. Because that's the best way to lead that, that in a healthy way in a way that's really modeling you, you are allowed to feel safe, you are allowed to feel grounded, you are allowed to have something to push against this partner in my life. But let's, let's take that, that desire to have that and let's do it in a positive, healthy, envisioned way.
And one thing that I had I'll be vulnerable and say one thing that I had to move through in 2015 was the nice guy, let's say grovelling. The nice guy begging for her to not go right. And she we the divorce hadn't been finalized at that time. She hadn't moved out. At that time, and I remember at one point that I went to her, and I felt like I was in Ruben spot is what reminds me of this. And I went to her and she's basically excited to be moving out. At that point. She's looking for apartments. And I thought I was being connecting. And I thought it was sharing from the heart. And I went to her and I said, that I don't want you to go.I don't, I don't want you to go.And she said, Well, I'm the one that has to find a new apartment and pay for a new apartment. And she made it about money. Right? And she wasn't on the same wavelength as I was. And I was not like Cynthia was just saying I was not in my kingly energy. I was not sourcing myself. I hadn't found this work yet, guys. I hadn't found the local group, the local tribe of men, Steve foresman. And my work I had not launched into that yet. So I'm sure that I felt like a little boy who was just saying, Oh, I don't want mommy to go and of course, that wasn't That wasn't connecting for her at all, even though that's where I thought that I was coming from. And that was really painful. And I, I can relate to what Ruben has shared over the show the past few days. And what he just shared right there that owning ourself is tough when we're trying to white knuckle grip hold on to that story of what we thought was going to happen in our relationship. I can certainly relate to that. I want to read a section so thank you. So they want to give you some tips and feedback from you. I want to read a section from here with 1000 faces and give me a thumbs up you can see this because I technology's not being helpful to There you go, thank you. I'm here with 1000 faces. I read the beginning of this a few days ago, how war is a temporary war and temper tantrums are the makeshift of ignorance, the beginning of chapter three, and there's something that really hit me powerfully later in that chapter and I transcribed some of it for his here.Always after the first thrills of getting underway, the adventure develops into a journey of darkness, horror, disgust and phantasmagoric fears. So, let me give some let me give some context to this. This Joseph Campbell here is talking about when a man faces these challenges in relationship and this this specifically is about relationship with a woman. So, women as a temptress is the chapter, right? So as a man faces challenges with a woman, and he goes to an elder, he goes to a wise man or in today's world, he goes to a coach or a therapist, and after the first after the first thrills of getting underway, the adventure develops into a journey of darkness, horror, disgust and phantasmagoria fears phantasmagoria like not necessarily real, they're the phantasms in our minds right. The monkey mind, guys, the crux of the curious difficulty lies in the fact that our conscious views of what life ought to be seldom correspond to what life really is. Generally, we refuse to admit within ourselves or within our friends, the fullness of that pushing, self protective, malodorous, carnivorous, lecherous fever, which is the very nature of the organic cell. So we refuse to admit to ourselves, the egoic nature of humanity, okay, so there's the spiritual aspect of us, right? The being the human being part of us. And then there's the human egoic materialistic not not that all these are bad or good, right? capitalistic, our immediate needs and wants and the dopamine and the oxytocin and the serotonin that runs through us. There's those two forces. And so what Joseph Campbell is pointing out here very poetically, is that we refuse to generally admit to ourselves or within our friends the fullness of that carnivorous lecherous nature of the ego. Rather, we tend to perfume, whitewash and reinterpret, meanwhile, imagining that all the flies in the ointment, all the hairs in the soup are the faults of some unpleasant someone else. So we imagine that all of the hairs, all of the hairs in the soup, and the flies in the ointment, those are someone else's fault, or those are someone else's problems. Those aren't mine, because we have naivete, we haven't pulled back the curtain in our lives. And that's what this process is guys. That's what this fucking awakening was for me. And that's what I'm hoping that it is for you, you gentlemen that are here live everyday and you that's watching this later on on YouTube or wherever this is. That's that's the magic of what this actually is. The dark night of the soul that we're facing is us fucking Waking up, it's pulling back the curtain and realizing, I haven't been the kind of man that I've wanted to be because my strategy's been off. I haven't had my father didn't teach this to me. tribe of men didn't teach this to me. And that's why you're here. That's why you're here. That's why we teach these tools every day, Cynthia and I do on the show, so that we can move into being the man that we want to be. So Cynthia, I'd love for, I'd love you to honor the chat and honor the men that are here today. And give me some feedback when I share as a woman. Do women do women understand, you know, I guess what would you say the average woman, the average, let's say wife of the men that we work with one on one and our one on one coaching? Do you think those women understand that a man has not been awakened to the fact that wow, that you go a part of myself and the strategies that I learned through ROM coms or Disney movies? All right, I just watched my father do his best to women understand, do you think that that journey that men have to go through?
That's a really good question. Well, I will share with you that until as the I was in my early 20s, and I was at college and my first semester of college there, there wasn't a lot of classes that were still open, you know, being a freshman. And one of the classes that I could get into that was kind of in the psychology realm was men's studies. And I actually before that, It didn't interest me as much I was like, oh, where I am want to do a woman studies class because I want to learn and grow. So I ended up in this class, and that was the first time in my life. I recognize that men didn't feel confident all the time. Up until that point I Thought that only I had senses of insecurity at times or only women did, and that men just had it. Everything was all figured out. And that's humbling to admit to you all of that, that night.And I was deeply deeply touched and endeared taking that class recognizing the humaneness in all of us. But if I use my own experience, I do think there is some time as a perception that maybe, you know a man Oh, he he if he's very confident he has it all figured out. And there's a great, great vulnerability and opening to recognize that you and all your strength and stoicism Also are on a path and a journey.
Hmm. Thank you so much yet. And I think every man would agree with me that well, if we didn't know, then how could women necessarily know? Right when we shared myths? I think it would. It's been a while now. I think it's been about two or three weeks Cynthia, where we shared myths and truths, myths about relationship and one of those myths is that every woman is great with relationships and every woman is an expert with emotions. We think about that Cynthia, every woman is an act like we should just defer to women, and listen to everything that they say about relationship and trust everything that they say, Are women, all experts that emotions and relationships and
women are experts at being in the emotions and really know is very important and jockeying for position, in relationship and with each other using emotions, but we are human.
Thank you. I appreciate that one. Gentlemen, one reason I love that Cynthia is on here is to be a healing example of what feminine is and what feminine can be like. And I tell her that every day after the show, just to be honest with you, like thank you so much for your honoring and your reverence and the way you guide us and heal men through this unbiased professional opinion of yours, Cynthia, so thank you so much. I appreciate that. I want to point out in the chat and gentlemen, there's one gentleman in the chat that said he's interested to come on the show. I'm happy to not say his name. I'm happy for him to be anonymous. If you have your camera off, then we obviously won't see any of your face and by the way, your name does not show in the recording. So my if you just confirm this, does it say Jeff Allen on my screen right now? Anywhere like on because my that's my name in zoom
up on the bottom left hand side, it says Jeff Allen,
it does. So if you want to be anonymous, that we're happy for you to do that I can read questions in the chat. Okay. Otherwise, if your first name is the only thing that you have in the participant section, obviously, that's all that we're going to see. So if you're not comfortable with that, that's completely fine, guys, but if you do want to share, or if you want to, you know, just post a question in chat, we can do that. So, for instance, I know Brett's been on the show, he said, I've analyzed a lot of these and journaled about them over the past six months, it's an eye opener to see the progress on paper. Yeah, getting it out of our head and onto paper is so important. Don't underestimate that. It get it out of yourself and onto paper or email yourself or text yourself or, you know, and honestly, I'd suggest you can go ahead and get rid of it after that if you want. But getting out of yourself. And Brett said I grovelled when she stormed out of our home for the last time, right? Not my finest hour. Yeah, it's like, it's it's a death. It's a it's a death that develops right in front of us. And we were surprised by it in some moments and other moments, it's like slow motion, you know, and we we see, and then or the realization that it crumbled prior to now last year and, you know, what can we do about it? What can we do about it? And that's why we're here to learn how we can move forward. another gentleman said, one of my biggest issues is that what I'm going through is not part of the script I wrote for myself. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You know, the script is you go to college or you find a job, like you'd become skilled in some craft, or your career, and then you get married, right? And then you I guess, have kids or you figure it out how figured out after that. So, when I was 18 years old, I went to my grandfather, who worked for a company with which call it was called controlled data. And that was back in the 70s. Before IBM became a household name control data was huge. He literally worked on circuit boards that went off in some of the Rockets in the in the 1970s. And, like thinking about that just incredible to me. And when I turned 18 my grandpa's name was Ted. When I turned 18 and asked my I called him Papa asked my papa. So give me some advice about life. Right? Tell me how to do life. I know shit. I asked him to tell me how to do life. And he said, That's not something that I can tell you. And, and that then he stopped talking. That's no, no, really like, I know that you're being modest. And I get that and, you know, you've done all these amazing things. And so but tell me like, well, how can I be successful in life? And he wouldn't tell me basically, you know, what he did is he helped he built model airplanes with me when I have a tattoo of here on my whole side. And we went out and we flew planes and we sailed sailboats, and we built things together. He helped me build a tree forts and we Played Yahtzee together all the time. And we argued over, Matt, you know, like silly math things, silly statistic things that I was, you know, a young kid like, well, if the lottery yesterday was 12345 Why would I buy a lottery ticket that was 12345 today? And he said, You know what, it's exactly the same odds. Like why not buy it? So anyway, we'd argue about that stuff. And he's a brilliant man. And he still said, I can't teach you. I don't have advice for you of how to do life. And now looking back at that, I'm realizing he didn't he didn't even know the first beginnings of what to say guys. Like he didn't even have a book like no more Mr. Nice Guy. He didn't have a book like the masculine in relationship to even recommend to me. Like he just, he was born. So let's see he was born in. I think 19 is born in 1919. If I'm remembering correctly, I'm not sure if I'm remembering is a trend. I think that's right. And so if you think about the time period of life that he went, Through. Alright, so yeah, that would be right. So he'd be in his 50s in the 1970s. And who the hell did he learn this from? It was just you had to fucking Buck up and take it as a man basically. And shit. Part of his story that I learned later was, this is real vulnerable that my grandmother had affairs. And I remember when I was a kid them, you know, yelling and fighting, and I didn't know what that was about. And so now I look back and thank him. If I was in a relationship where I knew my wife had affairs, and I, you know, we yelled and we weren't happy, but we just stayed together. And my 16 year old grandson came to me and said, Hey, give me advice about life. What the hell would I say? Right? What the hell would I say? So that's, that's a huge goal of what we're doing here guys is my my hope is that every man is in a tribe of men. Every man reads these books Every man has other men to talk to, and like I say, to reach down a hand into the mud when we need to be pulled up. So Cynthia, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take a drink of water after that one. If you honor the chat, I'd appreciate it please.
Hello, Patrick just posted, you experience life forwards and you understand it backwards, which I really appreciate. And then pat had posted a little while ago just about not when he experienced his partner in trying to trying to reason with her and I use logic pointed out all that was good potential that we had connection we had in the past, and blah, blah, blah. He says, that was as successful as grovelling and it it pushed her out the door even faster.And Brett was sharing in that story as well.
Yeah, the topic of my men's group this week, which I just hosted, I host every Thursday. One so I host then Steve horseman and then Tim Wade. We do we do thirds. And we have that every two weeks. That was last night. Last night from six to 8pm. And Ruben raised his hand again, I'll cornea second room. And so last night, the topic that I brought up was regret and jealousy. And I don't want to share too much of our personal Ben's here. But the the main goal, the main takeaway from that was, how can we know how to stand up for ourselves? And I'm talking to my own self here. How could I have known how to stand up for myself when I didn't know what I was standing up for? I didn't know what values that I had. I didn't know what adventure I was on. That wasn't just her and the family. Right. So if we don't understand and we cut our teeth through this work that's, that's the awakening that I found is this forced me to take a look at what I didn't want. It forced me to Take a look at what do I want in relationship? So yeah, Ruben, let's give it a shot. Come on in, buddy.
You're 100% right. That's the part I need to focus more on is you know what I do and I don't want I do have some strong ideas now and they're growing. I don't sit there and grovel. I don't beg I just asked questions to my wife. I want her to and I tell her that I want to. I told her the other day I want to I want to feel her emotions. And yes, she's in the phone call mode and the you know, the and she's you know, stonewalling but I continue to push, you know, I was talking to Jason Bradbury yesterday and not use the Mr. Miyagi, use my brain a little more take a step back to try to get her to open up that way instead of just trying to force force him to do it. And for me, as a man, I need to have some kind of a plan when I feel like I don't have a plan, I'm lost. So if I have a plan moving forward, I can always readjust the plan, but there's got to be a plan and a focus. And that's what makes me happy about talking to you guys. I'm working with everyone here. Cuz I feel like I have somehow lost.
Yeah, I love it. Ruben. Thanks. I want to ask you. So the Mr. Miyagi that what I'm hearing from Ruben is and by the way, Jason Bradbury and Andy Molloy are co coaches with me in this group. Cynthia and I are the head coaches right of course. My my business is getting incredibly full almost Full Cynthia and I do wraparound coaching their digital products. You know, we host our free forum and we put we put out all our free contents as well because this is our heart in the world, heart and business heart and business. So that's awesome that Reuben was talking with Jason Bradbury. Now I know he's also talking with Andy. That's awesome, man. I appreciate it. So Cynthia want to ask you that. Reuben is talking about the step back the half step back and attempting to create a vacuum, where before we were overly pressing, and attempting to create a vacuum where that she can step into while we turn and focus on our own life, not that we're leaving her behind. Right? I want to bring up your pieces of the pie. Not that we're leaving her behind it all. Because of the got the pie and then where's my sandwich? Where's my sandwich be? Here we go. So I'm going to share this about, well, how could I say what I want from my life and from her and from myself. So if I take a half step back, and then I use our three sentence hero sandwich format here, of, I want to have amazing things in my life and with our kids, and I'd love for this to be together with you. Regardless, I'm going to move into being this confident man that I want to be in the world. Right? That's a three sentence serial sandwich. So Cynthia, if I if I ask you what happens if I take a half step back, create vacuum, use the skills he learned in the show, and I'm creating my own adventure in life. What is that like for a woman that maybe was in fuck it mode or fuck you mode? What happens when the man takes a step back and starts to have confidence in himself and pleased with himself, please?
Like, breathing room, all of a sudden she doesn't have to be like, pushing back against you so hard. There's, there's space. And I was just feeling into as Ruben was sharing that I, I personally feel the power of of all of you when you are very connected to what you're what you are wanting, like I feel the passion and the solidity of your stake in the sand and it's exciting to me and enticing and makes me want to like step across the space and and be in your space. I do experience that if you know a man is a little unsure what he's wanting or trying to figure out what he wants through me like it feels almost like an energy like pushing back against me like he's wanting something from me and I'm confused and it makes me kind of want to jump back and push back. Whereas when you are owning and clear There is, the invitation is very, very powerful.
So it feels like a push, and it makes you want to jump back. Oh, starting to type that. So give me Do me a favor and let's look at the pie here. Your seven pieces of a woman's pie relationship pie, and help me understand help me in the men understand. If I take a half step back, I'll share this again in a second if I take a half step back as a man and I when she comes to me and she says, What's up with you? Why do you don't seem to care about us anymore? You seem like aloof now or you're kind of being an asshole. Just because you step back she might call you an asshole. Okay, if you stop doing all those things, all the nice guy like doing everything, all the laundry, everything you're trying way, way, way too hard. And you take a half step back and stop doing all that stuff they shouldn't be doing, you know, just doing the things that are here apart and not everything and you use these statements like this what what happens for a woman in relation to these seven pieces of her relationship pie tacos talk to us about that please?
Sure that's that's a tough one because even though you might be in like a push pull with each other or she's absolutely stonewalling you, she's feeling also included and part of an emotional energy with you or there's there's something that she is a part of. So when you do step back, and there's not a adventure that you're on together, that that pain and her of feeling like she's all alone in this even though that's what she's been like pushing for. Is, is profound. And I I've even experienced that. In partnership, but like my partner suddenly started to shift their career or and they're very focused on that change that like, feeling like I'm not included in that was really was very tough.
So number five here is she's not feeling included in that moment. Right. So if he takes a step back, does that help her feel more safe? Does that help her feel, Like she's not being smothered like his masculinity, if you will, or his just presence isn't smothering her? Talk to us about that?
Yes, he is stepping back and, kind of holding the vision of adventure and that there's growth here and movement forward. And he's doing that with confidence in himself but also, you know, confidence in her. It does create like a breathing, a breathing room. And it's inviting and her that need to have like that hope of that growth when you are modeling that as well. you're inviting that into the space of, you know, how could this relationship expand and deepen and broaden?
So cool, thank you. So now I'm going to share. It's about a minute and a half. Yeah. For Mark groves. He's a coach that's around. He has about 10,000 followers awesome stuff. This one is about boundaries. Let me go ahead and share this and when I hit go, if you give me a give me a thumbs up, Cynthia, appreciate it. Here we go.
Unknown Speaker 46:43
I heard from someone recently that Oh, you know what, I told someone a boundary and then they just they broke up with me. So I guess that was an epic fail. And I'm like, No, that's actually success. That's how boundaries work.You when you express boundary and someone can't be in your life anymore because of that boundary actually winning that shows that the boundary work, you didn't fail you won. But what's happened is, is you said, this is the standard I've hold. This is the new level this, this is the deal breaker. This is the rock bottom. And if you can't meet it, that's okay. I love you, but I am not keeping you in my life. And they said, I'm not keeping you in my lap because you hold that standard, what a beautiful thing to invite them to rise instead of you shrinking like we normally do. Now, what happens in this transition is it goes from, it's healing survival strategies that are about people pleasing, if you approve of my behavior, then my behavior is okay. If you don't, then it's not let me shrink and go back. Fuck that this is about rising and becoming so what happens in the boundary is you say, I source my worth from self. I lost you I gain me. So in this transition period, is a huge leap of courage that goes from I need you to approve of me to I approve of me and if you can't Stick around in my own behaviors of self love, then you're not meant to be in it. That's okay. That's okay. Right. So when people can't meet your boundary, it's not a sign that it's failed or doesn't work. It's actually a sign that it's working.
Yeah, I love Mark he and I could get riled up. I love that. One thing I love about the show as well is that we curate all of these things for you. So I felt a tinge of Should I really be sharing another coach's shit during the show? And absolutely, this is a tribe guys. He has a boundaries course I'm thinking about checking out. And the cool thing is, guess what? We're gonna bring all the best information in this whole field to you through the show. So I'm happy to do that. Yeah, he's pumped up. So that was one minute of a longer podcast and longer videos that he does. That's something that I was actually talking with Andy about before the show is, you know, pulling out the key one minute or two minutes from the material that's at the end. I do I'm going to need to hire someone to help me with that. Because as it is, like we're kick, we're kicking ass with this show, we're kicking ass in our private work as well to help men jump forward as fast as they can. And that's what we're here for. So, Cynthia, I'd love for you to give us some feedback. What's it sound like? or What does it feel like to a woman when the man says, Look, I'm setting a boundary and in a positive way, and if she says that, that's not okay with her that he can, he'll grieve that but he's going to move forward in his life in his adventure in his battle. Okay, that deals with the half step back and then setting a boundary and a wants, right? So a boundary and a wants may also be that he does want a relationship with at least little bits of intimacy to grow intimacy with each other. Right, that's a want that he has that's a nut of his is that he will be in an intimate relationship with his wife. And now, of course there's steps if we've made mistakes, then we certainly can't put demands on her. That's not what this is about. We can't put conditions on her. Right? But if I say I want to have intimacy in my life, and I'm doing these steps, what happens for a woman when he sets a boundary confidence for himself and he will move on in his life if, if that's not okay with her?
Well, the one thing that you're doing in that is you're taking away you're dropping the rope of tension between you two. And in doing that, you're you're actually asking the chemistry of her body to respond in a different way. And, Jeff, when we've gone through situations where you've, you know, set a clear boundary with me, and very much in the energy of like, and if that doesn't work for you, that's okay. This is me and my life moving forward. Well One item in me was like, Oh, this is, um, this is leadership here. And this is asking me to kind of, you know, step up my game as well. And so I find that motivating in a lot of ways because it takes away the ability for me to like kind of push and do like emotional jockeying and invites a movement forward. It's like breaking the old patterns and inviting something entirely new, something entirely off the radar of your relationship and ultimately, that desire for a woman to grow to have expansion like you're truly meeting, a very profound need, no matter what the end, exact result is in the relationship together.
I love Cynthia how you look for the greater need you look for how a man can set container in his own life and in masculinity. And that in and of itself is the modeling for his woman, his children, his family, his community. And that's why we're here guys. So I love what Ken said in the chat. Yeah, love this. She said a boundary early on that an affair of any kind is unacceptable. Right? Of course, that's what we would all say on our wedding day or when we get together with someone and then she broke her own boundary and had an affair. And she can't even honor you know, she can't even honor her own boundaries. Right. And that those questions are man I you guys know my story. I have had to ask myself that with my ex on and it's the it's the reality still of that, that tug. We still want to be keep our family together that we still have. We still have connection with her. And that's such this huge difference. We talked about this a lot in the show of the difference. About a woman grieves, and prior to dropping the bomb and then a man grieves after that. And it seems like we're our complementary nature causes us to reach out or have differences of opinion and integrity, let's say, of differences of opinion in the boundary or the frame around relationship. And that's what we work through on the show. How do we understand that? What do we do with that? How do we speak and bring that shit to the men? Right? Absolutely. So I feel compelled to open up the mic. We have about five minutes left today. Tomorrow, I want to highlight you guys I expect you to come please and bring some what's been an inspiration in these last three months for you. What's been a vision for you? What's the legacy you want to leave of this chapter in your life? What are you proud of? I want you guys to come to our 50th episode tomorrow and bring 20 seconds 30 seconds, right one minute of what you're proud of. We will have of course a full show tomorrow as well, but I'm not going to let you guys just sit and Like, stay quiet tomorrow, I want to I want to like, I want to push it a little bit and bring you forward. This is what I do in coaching, right? This is what we do in a men's group. This is what we do if we were in a small group kind of coaching situation right now, is I opened it up. So I'm going to go ahead and just allow you to open up your mic and come on and what do you want to share about boundaries? What's the challenge that you're facing in life right now? Or what are you stepping into? So I'm just gonna see how long it takes for someone to unmute themselves.
If there was a post in the chat, do you want me to read that out? Yeah,
please. Yeah, please.
Um, it's hard to figure out where to set to the boundary. I need intimacy in my relationship versus I need daily sex. One seems workable, and one seems doomed to fail. How do you know if you're being reasonable?
How do you know if you're being raised? Well, okay. So that's, that's an hour long question in of itself. I love the question. Thank you so much. Let me go over to another quote that I didn't get to today. I actually pulled this from Steve Horseman's book, straight talk tools. Can you see this Cynthia. And so here is from his his chapter, his article, how to stop trying to make her happy, and still get what you want. He says it's helpful to know why some men fail and never become someone who gets what he wants. There are three reasons that show up in most men. Okay, this is about patience, process and faith. So when this gentleman the chat is asking about is this reasonable? How do I have boundaries around sex? How do I have a workaround? Or is this just doomed to fail? I want intimacy like I don't need sex every day. I don't need intimacy every day, but I want those things in my life. So what do I do here as a man, and here's what causes a man to fail. He's impatient and overly invested in outcomes. He fails to understand and accept that the process is totally within his control. He doesn't believe that he is deserving and capable of creating what he wants. So if I don't believe that I'm worthy of affection and intimacy, I'm going to sabotage myself or I'm going to like start a fight. I'm going to do shitty old patterns. Okay? If I actually have shame, and that runs me, if I'm not aware of that, even, that's going to get in my way. If I don't accept that I'm in control of my anger, my emotions, if I don't take responsibility for the tension, as we talked about in this show, if I play the victim, if I don't take the lead, and I play the victim, and I don't understand and accept that the process is within my control, okay. She's not going to feel my presence. Like Cynthia says, she's not going to feel LED. She's going to feel like that I don't know my own value of my own boundaries in the world. Okay. And if I'm keeping score of how many days it's been since she touched my My penis. And when I do things I try to win brownie points, then I'm overly invested in the outcome. And she feels that like pressure like Cynthia was saying, right. So women were Cynthia and I have been taking horseback riding for horseback riding lessons for about two months. And Cynthia grew up riding horses right so she looks like so calm and beautiful out there galloping around like it's no problem and here's me fucking bouncing up and down on the on the saddle actually smashed my left nut the second time we were out like oh fuck just like smash my grind the second time we're out there and I had to get all the you know, I've gotten I've got the pan the right pants now on the right underwear and the right gear and shit. But but so we go out there. And we're about to start this is what three weeks ago Cynthia and the the owners say oh this horse that we're going to have Cynthia right today has had Trouble with her leg, the horse has had trouble with her leg. And she's fallen a couple of times in the past. And just so you know, like, Cynthia helped me out here. It's like, oh, that may happen. And Cynthia growing up with horses is like, oh, no problem, I'll just will fall in this kind of way. And I'm over here thinking like, if a horse falls, that's like a fucking car crash, like you're not supposed to have a horse ball, right? And so I start to get, I start to get really anxious. And then I say, like, Are you okay with that? Cynthia? Is this okay? And I get I get anxious, and Cynthia's, like, it's fine, you know, it'll be fine. And then like, okay, and I turned to my horse that I'm going to get on and that horse wanted nothing to do with me in that moment. My horse tie stay in the back of the stall. And she was looking at me like what is going on with this guy? Because I was worried and nervous and thinking about Cynthia being hurt, you know, or the horse tumbling. So Cynthia help me out. What is what That feeling between a man and a woman in this example, you know, it's the horse is feeling into me. But what does a woman feel when a man is overly invested in outcomes, he doesn't understand that he has control of his own life. He doesn't feel that he's capable of getting what he wants in the world.
Well, the king can be in a myriad of ways, but I do want to offer that, and you gentlemen have mentioned this before that women are very, very in tune to what you are feeling and probably can feel in their, in their body, what's going on with you? And so, if you're nervous, she's going to feel that nervousness amplify herself herself and that's going to feel like uncertain, and she's probably going to question herself is there something wrong here Is everything okay? And then, you know, depending on how she responds to that, that can be an anger of like, Why do I feel so off in his presence? So that happens with emotions and we do that to each other, like, our bodies are constantly listening to each other. So if, if something's like a pressure in you, that's also going to be feel like a pressure against her as well. And so you're owning of your own process just like you Jeff sharing you shared with me how that experience made you feel. A woman can just kind of relax because you're calling it and putting it on the table. And it's not a unknown beneath the surface thing to just react to in dramatic ways.
Oh my gosh, it's it's not just something to react to. She feels that within us. So I love it so much. Thank you, Cynthia. So come to the end of today's show, I have two more minutes of our kick ass Matthew McConaughey that this is why you're not happy, motivational compilation that I've been sharing throughout the week. And I'm sure two more minutes after closing credits. again tomorrow, I want to see who shows up in courage to share 20 seconds or 30 seconds with us tomorrow. What's been inspiring to you in life, what kind of legacy you want to leave at it from this phase? And what what you've learned if you were a man watching this 10 years from now, what would you say to that man, if your son was watching this 10 years from now, what would you say to him? All right, Cynthia, jump in and give us some more prompt of what we'd like to hear in 20 or 30 seconds or 60 seconds from the men tomorrow on our 50th show, please.
Yeah, so this is sharing the journey is not any of us going off. I you know, I've got it all. Perfect. Now it's all figured out and I'm going to have this perfect goal. One thing to say that's can change someone else's life. It is taking what you know, on a journey acutely from your own experience and knowing that every human moments you've had, there is there's inspiration there, there's there's something that another man will benefit from hearing from you. And the improved imperfectness of it, the moments of where confidence was lacking or feel like I really messed that up. Those. That's the journey that's the hero's journey of sharing that and then what, what you've learned from that particular experience. It helps us all know that we are in this tribe together and can be human as well as connected to something far bigger and greater on our adventure.
Oh my gosh, Cynthia, the female shaman for our group of men, that was incredibly well said.Yeah.Oh my gosh. On that note, we'll close the show for today. Let's honor our men, Brad and Andy and Andrew, thank you so much, guys for being here. And Harry and john cans and Pat, Patrick and Walters, and Rob and Ruben and Randy. Love you guys so much. We'll see you tomorrow at 11am Mountain. This has been the C note show brought to you by great men move mountains and great men move mountains.com if you want to request a free consult for our private one on one coaching, which helps you move as fast as possible within this work. You go to great men move mountains, calm slash contact, and we'll talk with you about where you are. The first call is no BS, no strings attached. We're here to be I'm here to be present for you. I'm the one that takes the initial console calls. Right and then Cynthia and I work with men together. So I'm here to be fully present for you to be aware of what's going went on to give you my year. That's what I'm here for. Right and give you my professional feedback if I if you'd like it. So thank you for joining us. I'll share two minutes of the clip after the show today. And I'll do our credits right now.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:16
Unknown Speaker 1:04:18
makes no difference which though is
you're gonna be, you're gonna be
Unknown Speaker 1:04:25
fine either way.
Thank you so much. Yeah, Cynthia, Andy said, You have amazing quotes. Every human moments you've had there as an inspiration. They're so incredible. Thank you so much. I'm going to share this motivation, then we'll we'll close it for today.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:45
Whatever your answer is, don't choose anything that will jeopardize yourself. Prioritize who you are, who you want to be and don't spend time with anything that antagonizes Your character, don't drink the Kool Aid man. It tastes sweet but you will get cavities tomorrow I live is not a popularity contest. Be brave. Take the hill. But first answer that question. What's my hill? Well, for me, it's a measurement of five things. We got fatherhood, we got being a good husband, we got my health, mind, body, and spirit, we got career, and we have friendships. These are what's important to me in my life right now. Because I want to keep all five in healthy shape. And I know that if I don't take care of them, if I don't keep up maintenance on them, one of them is going to get weak man. It's going to dip too deep into the debit section, it's going to go bankrupt, it's going to get sick or die. So first, we have to define success for ourselves. And then we have to put in the work to maintain it. Take that daily tally, tend our garden, keep the things that are important to us in good. Defining ourselves by what we are not, is the first step that leads us to really know and who we are.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:08
You know, that group of friends that you hang out with that they're, they really might not bring out the best in you. You know, they gossip too much or they're kind of shady. They really aren't going to be there for you in a pinch. Or how about that bar, that we keep going to that we always seem to have the worst hangover from that computer screen right? That computer screen that keeps giving us an excuse not to get out of the house and engage with the world and get some real human interaction. About that food that we keep eating and stuff that tastes so good going down, makes us feel like crap the next week, we feel lethargic and we keep putting on weight. Well, those people those places those things, stop giving them your time and energy. Just don't go there. I mean, put them down. And when you do this, when you do put them down when you quit, go in there and you quit. giving them your time. You inadvertently find yourself spending more time and in more places that are healthy for you that bring you more joy. Why? Because you just eliminated the who's the were the ones in the wind that were keeping you from your identity.
I love it. Put down those things you know you shouldn't be doing and lean into those that you know you want to like this show every day. Love you guys see it tomorrow at 11am Mountain fantastic.