My Wife Says I'm Selfish. The Mistake All Unhappy Husbands Make
May 17, 2021
It's not all about you.
You may be doing this without even consciously realizing it, but it is very easy to make up stories about what your wife is thinking. She says one thing and your monkey mind goes crazy with tortuous thoughts:
- What does this mean for our marriage?
- Does she want a divorce?
- Is she purposefully trying to push me away?
You may even burden your wife with your issues or nag at her with questions whenever you notice a difference in her behavior towards you.
Sometimes, you need to keep the words inside your head, and not say them out loud.
Don't act like the passive King
The passive king is unsure of himself, abdicates responsibility, obsesses about the weaknesses of others. He is hungry for mirroring—for “Adore me!” “Worship me!” “See how important I am!”— and when he doesn’t get that from his wife, a passive king becomes angry and judgmental.
You need to learn to control your emotions
Emotions cloud judgment and give a false definition of things. You are not going to make an accurate assessment of a situation when you're not in a triggered emotional state.
- The moment anger or the fear of weakness involves you, your emotions thwart your better judgment.
- Ask yourself, “Am I the one messing up by being out of control of my emotions?”
Make sure you have a place you write things out to gather your thoughts and assess your thinking. If you are thinking for example, 'she’s giving me the run-around and not setting dates with me,' ask yourself, 'could it be me?' before you begin to fire down at her and bomb her with questions.
- Take a step back.
- Maybe it's just your monkey-shit mind that's overreacting and seeing things that aren't there.
- You need to always pause, calm yourself down and try to look at the situation objectively, don't just rush in.
The 24-7 Rule
You want to be the King and leader in your own life. Think about the story underneath your emotional response. What’s the fear or resentment?
When in a triggered state with your wife, you need to put fresh air between you two so that you can calm down and rekindle yourself as a man.
- Wait 24 hours to bring up the issue with her and while you are processing breathe into the emotion and the story you are telling yourself.
- Go to the gym, journal or post about it the Great Men Move Mountains private facebook forum. Use this link to gain private access https://www.facebook.com/
groups/GreatMenMoveMountains/
- Do NOT have a discussion with your wife until you are calm. But don’t wait longer than 7 days to talk with her. If you wait too long, “sitting” on your anxieties or anger, she’ll think you're hiding something or trying to manipulate her. Bring your solid King to your wife when you approach her so that your energy is an invitation.
It's understandable that you're unhappy with the current state of things in your marriage but fearfully worrying about your wife’s comments and actions and verbally vomiting on her is not going to fix it. It's only going to make it worse. Be the strong emotionally stable support she needs in moments of uncertainty. Let her see you as the solid King in her storm.
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