Should I have HOPE for my marriage?May 17, 2023
You are standing in the dairy aisle picking up a stack of American cheese slices for hamburgers tonight, the grocery basket slung over your arm already full of ground beef, onions, and your boys’ preferred brand of potato chips.
You have everything you need, but like a man stuck in quicksand, you are stopped in front of one of the refrigerated cases, confused, a man stuck in the quicksand of his own thoughts.
Tubs of your wife's favorite flavor of Chobani yogurt stare back at you through the glass of the case, and you stand immobilized, like an idiot.
In the middle of an in-house separation, going on 3 months, you've been trying to not focus so much on your wife, and working on yourself.
• You’ve been doing The Work for YOU.
• You've been working on your dishonest and critical Nice Guy Habits.
• You've been gaining clarity on the kind of man you want to be.
You would like to pick up the yogurt for your wife because you noticed in the refrigerator this morning that her usual stock was low. You want to provide this act of service based on your values and the kind of man you want to be in marriage. Behind this clear belief, however, you find an old thought-habit returning -“If I do this, she’ll see how much I’ve changed. She’ll see me as a good man.” - It’s your Nice Guy ego wanting to control the situation and trying to manipulate.
However, you still feel clearly your WANT - to be of service. You WANT to provide for your wife.
Paradoxically, you want "the work" you do to save your marriage and change your wife’s current opinion of you, even if you are doing it FOR you.
Ego = Nice Guy manipulation
Higher Self = unattached Act of Service
Ego & Higher Self run side-by-side beneath the surface. They are a dance, often a paradoxical dance.
Sometimes the Ego and your Higher Self run like north and south facing highways, each claiming to foster equal paths, but sending a man in completely opposite directions. At other times, they overlap, two roads speaking to two sides of the same purpose.
You are trying to shift your mindset to that of a “Kingly, grounded, masculine man.”
You are no longer willing to be the “peace keeper,” trying to do whatever you can to make things right.
You are no longer willing to gauge your relationships through "scoreboard points" earned or gained.
You want to do the right thing. You want to know what to say and what to do. You want to proud of the man you are becoming.
• The EGO is going to WANT things - to eat, to fuck, to protect your family. You want to feel powerful.
• Your HIGHER SELF wants to act from deep, core values.
The Ego and the Higher Self may overlap. You want to focus on your own inspiration and turn your shoulders toward things you’ve lost in the past AND you want to give your wife the chance to step back into a better version of relationship with you.
Flashback to the yogurt isle in the grocery store:
- Do I buy more yogurt for my wife??
- Will she think this looks "try hard" and "needy"?
- Would I buy this yogurt even if she never says "thank you"?
- Would I buy this yogurt even if she get's upset, because one of my core values is selfless Acts of Service for my family?
- How will I feel if she throws the yogurt in my face?
KEY QUESTION - Ask yourself, “Is this act something I am wanting to do from my Higher Self, or is my Ego just trying to gain power, be in control, and ‘win’?”
Watch this video to STOP confusion and learn HOW do manage your ego when trying to save your marriage:
Want to read more? Click to read this next article: Why she can't answer "What do you want?"