What to share & what not to share - men's emotionsApr 16, 2023
Things have been going better with your wife. She’s warmer.
You’ve been practicing intimacy experiments with her, calibrating your Staircase of Intimacy steps well, mostly.
You admit your wife has started to relax her body when you hug her, even though you wish she could handle the embrace longer.
- She’s agreeing to go on dates as long as it works with her schedule.
- She’s been sharing more deeply with you about her day when you ask.
But according to your wife, sex is still off the table.
She says she feels better about your relationship, but is afraid if sex happens again, “everything will go back to the way it was.”
It's been a solid 2 years since your wife dropped the ‘I want a divorce" bomb on you.
1. You thought by this time, your wife would have returned to your bed.
2. You thought you would have less fear about your marriage ending.
3. You thought after all these months of doing men’s work, your wife would trust you again, all of this would be behind you.
The marriage you are wanting still seems very far away from the current reality. Sometimes you feel like a shadow of a man, skulking in unoccupied rooms of your house, hiding your deep emotions from your wife with the facade that her lack of intimacy leaves you unaffected, unattached to outcome.
Feeling the current reality - what to do with your emotions
There are times that the current reality of your marriage crashes in on you.
Like the ocean in an unpredictable storm, when emotions tied to the current reality of your marriage pummel the beach, you feel overwhelmed, the tide pulling you far from your calm, grounded masculine presence.
- You want to be in a relationship where SHE kisses you every morning without having to be asked.
- You want to be in a partnership where SHE wants deep, fulfilling intimacy too.
- You want to be in a marriage where SHE lights up in your presence and openly shares her desire with you.
You are not a cyborg.
You feel anger.
You feel grief.
You feel disappointment.
And you wish you could share these feelings with your wife.
You wish you could tell her about the fear and the gut wrenching pain her actions still put you through.
But you know from experience, sharing these things with your wife is like turning back the clock and pouring ice cubes into a newly bubbling pot. She becomes cold, distant, and withdraws from your touch.
Making headway with your wife seems to require that you become an impossibly unemotional statue; a monk who never gets to have any feelings other than perfect peace.
Do you not have permission to feel anything yourself?! Is it all about her and what she is feeling, all the time?!
Exposing the wound vs. sharing the scar
It’s one thing to HAVE an emotion and it’s another thing to BE in it.
As a man, you are allowed to have emotion…all the time.
A King on this path has emotion when he thinks about the work he has had to do for himself on this journey. He has emotion when he thinks about the challenges he and his family have gone through. He has emotion about his current reality and whether or not he feels his purpose and passion in the world.
A man on the Kingly Life Path knows the difference between sharing his open gaping wounds with his woman vs. sharing his scars.
1. He knows that intimacy with his wife is not built or blossomed by treating her like his therapist or his mommy.
2. He knows that intimacy with his wife is built and blossomed when he can pull back the armor and share with her the battle scars of all he has faced, felt, and survived.
A King owns his scars and he can speak calmly about them. He does not bring his trigger to his wife and wash her away in the waters of his wound.
Watch this 4 1/2 min video to find out why you don't have to be an emotionless cyborg as a man:
- What to do you with your feelings so you aren't hiding behind a facade of false peace
- Why your woman reacts the way she does when she experiences your gaping wound of emotion
- How to build your repertoire of scars in a way that builds closeness and connection with your wife
Want to read more? Click to read this next article: Are you angry with your wife? Understanding your anger - as a man