Why is my wife being hot & cold?

confident man marriage advice men's coaching relationship advice relationship coaching Apr 27, 2023
silhouette of a man and woman with their arms around each other. bokkeh lights in the background

Picture this:
You ask your wife if she is free Friday night for a date.
“Doing what?” she asks nervously.
She is uncomfortable with the unknown, but you want to invite her regardless.  What’s the worst she can say? No?
“It’s a dinner date at home.  I’ll cook.  Followed by a surprise adventure,” you say smiling, looking deep into her eyes.
“Ok,” your wife says, hesitantly, dropping your gaze and suddenly getting very interested in her clasped fingers. 
You celebrate the small victory - without expectation of outcome, you invited her into an intimate adventure.  She’s not doing jumping jacks and twirling like a Disney princess around the kitchen, but she didn’t say “no,” either.
[Friday night] -
Dinner was excellent - conchiglioni pasta, three types of cheese, and homemade marinara.  The conversation with your wife was great.  She became warmer and more relaxed as the evening progressed and even admitted to you that she was excited for the surprise you had planned next.
You tell your wife to put on a warm jacket, and you drive to a quiet little park overlooking the city.  The view is beautiful - bridges across the river, lighting up the sky and the swirling water below.
“I can’t believe we’ve lived here for 6 years, and I’ve never seen this before!” your wife declares, opening the car door to get a better look.
You take your wife along the river trail as you had planned, bringing along a bright flashlight to ensure she is comfortable with where you are walking.  
It was the perfect excursion - both of you talking in hushed whispers, like teenagers. Your wife’s giggles filling the night air - her whole body sighing with pleasure when you finally return to the car and turn the heat on full blast.
[Saturday morning] -
Your wife comes out of the spare bedroom where she has been sleeping alone since declaring 6 months ago that she needed time alone to work on herself in therapy before sex was back on the table.
This morning she’s cold and introverted again, avoiding direct eye contact, her mouth held in a firm line and brushing off any invitations to spend more time with you today.
This surprises you because she shared a warm and inviting kiss with you last night before bed, grinning like a cheshire cat when you cupped her buttocks with both of your hands.
It’s as if Sleeping Beauty went back into her spell in the night, returning to her frozen roommate state by the morning.
As the King who has done this work, you have embraced your masculine confidence with presence, power, and palpable energy that your wife can feel.

- This is something she has been hungry for.
- Perhaps she is experiencing the kind of Kingly energy for the first time in her life.
- She is drawn to you, receiving the gift of who you are as a man.
Your invitations for deeper connection with your wife allow her the opportunity to uncloak herself from the ardent missions of her day and step into a night of enchantment with you. 
The Pea Beneath the Mattress
"Black & Blue" - emotional wounds
In the lore of the Princess and the Pea, as a feminine woman sleeps, she feels the pea beneath her mattress, waking bruised and battered with old identities (hers and yours), old wounds, and unresolved stories needing an ending.
She will test the waters of your masculine presence. She will have to learn time and again that your stillness, introspection, and Kingly energy does not go away.
Practice the Lover Energy

Practice the man you want to be. Invite her without expectation. You have the power to heal old wounds.
Your masculinity does have pull with your wife.
- Your grounded leadership matters.
- Praise and acknowledge when she opens to you.
- Don't be swayed by her "suit of armor" the next day.


Watch this video her hot and cold swings do not determine your masculine value:

Want to read more? Click to read this next article: Is she really interested in me again?