How do you love someone you might lose?

Fear wants tomorrow’s answers.

Guys rarely ask me, "How do I keep loving through uncertainty?" Instead they ask, "Do you think we're making progress?" "What does it mean that she's pulling away?" "Do you think she's done?"

Different questions, same fear. They're looking for tomorrow's answer so they know how to behave today.

What they're really asking is, "How do I keep doing the right things when I don't know if my marriage is going to make it?"

Men who do this work face their fear. Nothing is forever. Not this conversation. Not her mood. Not even your uncertainty. Stop trying to predict tomorrow based on how things feel today.

The strongest men I know aren't fearless. They still have moments of panic, they still worry, and they still imagine worst-case scenarios. What makes them different is that fear no longer gets to make their decisions.

So how do strong men keep loving through uncertainty?

You don't need certainty to love well. You need the courage to keep showing up as the man you want to be, even when you don't know how the story ends.

Fear always wants tomorrow's answers. Before long, you're no longer responding to what's actually happening. You're responding to what fear says is about to happen. When you love through uncertainty, you stop asking, "What's going to happen?" and start asking, "Who do I want to be today?"

Instead of asking, "How do I get her to stay?" you ask, "How does the man I want to become respond to this?"

Don't negotiate with fear. Don't chase reassurance. Aim to accept the reality you're in. "I don't want this, but I understand that's where you're at." Then you keep moving your life forward.

If she's frustrated, listen, thank her for being honest, tell her you'll think about what she said, then get back to leading your life. Don’t let her emotions become your emergency. Don't spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what it means. Keep your commitments to your work, your workouts, your kids, and your goals, because that's the man you decided to be today.

Any man can love when it's easy. Any man can lead when life is predictable. A man's character is revealed by who he becomes when he doesn't know how the story ends.

You’re shaped by the choices you make today.

There is a way forward, even when you don't know how this ends.

Want the full plan? Jeff walks you through exactly what to say and do in the Kingly Life Program, his online course for husbands.

Our book The Good Husband Paradox is for good men who want to fight for their marriage without losing themselves in the process.

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